Thanks for the kind words. I’m glad if my work helps in any way, to any degree, although I have to fight the awkward impulse talk like that triggers in me to say something self-deprecating or obnoxious. I don’t take compliments well, been working on that for a while now.
I am nicer to myself, at least a lot nicer than I used to be. A lot of that is because of therapy, medication, reading up on the subject, and the support of my wife. It is an everyday struggle, along with my anxiety and depression, it feels like every decision is a debate or battle due to constant questioning of myself, what I’m doing, what I’m thinking. It’s exhausting to live that way because you feel stuck and blocked and sometimes crazy. Being more aware and mindful has allowed me to make a lot of headway. But while I still get work done, everything takes me three times longer to do than it should. I still have very little confidence in my work, I over-think everything, I over-stress, very often I don’t feel like I have control or authority over my own process. I am constantly taking a step forward and then a step back, repeating the stupid dance of indecision until I can’t take any more steps and somehow something gets done. Just writing this reply is work. Almost everything is work. But that’s a lot better than what it used to be, which was mostly panic and depression.
Without making this a longer reply, things get better if you work on making them better, and you have to be less hard on yourself, especially when you’re your harshest critic and worst enemy. You have to be better at recognizing when you’re being unreasonable and unfair towards yourself. You have to become your best friend, which sounds dopey, but I think is pretty much true. At least a good friend, an honest friend. It’s something I’m working on, something I wish I started working on decades ago, and I expect it will be a lifetime work in progress. I’m not great at it, but I’m trying. It’s never too late to start working on that, until it is too late, so you have to start working on it now, and never stop. It’s work, there’s no magic bullet, and it’s hard, and you slide a lot and there’s terrible patches, but you have to build on the good stuff and reject the mental horseshit as much as possible.
I’m going through a very bad time, work-wise, right now, I’m over-doing everything on Eltingville #2 and it’s very late and I’ve strangled my income and schedule. I’m stressed and I’m anxious. But I’m not hating myself or dragging myself through the mud like I would have in the past. I’m not making excuses but I’m also not making things worse by going mental and beating myself up over everything. I’m riding it out and doing my best and am going to try to not fall into this trap again. I have to learn to be nicer to myself on the page as well as in my life, I guess. Stop trying so hard and stop overcompensating. That’s the plan, anyway. Here’s to hoping.
Gotta get back to work, sorry for the long reply, I doubt you were looking for a long vent-session, but that’s what you got. Something else I need to work on (ha ha).